First off, I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have been praying for us through this journey. Your prayers have certainly been felt and many undoubtedly answered. God has definitely shown His faithfulness. I would say so far, things really could not have went any better. The boys are doing great, Kailyn is doing far better than I had expected, and the food has actually been pretty good.
As always in seeing more of God, we always see more of ourselves, with clarity and in the right perspective (which is normally what we do not have). One thing we noticed about her is that her head is asymmetrical in that the back is flatter than it should be (which is common among children from orphanages). This is a clear indication that she has spent a lot of time (typically an extreme amount) laying down on her back.
Now many of our initial reactions is a very passionate response and is something like, "how can anyone leave a baby on their back all day?" or "what kind of person leaves a baby unattended most of the day?" In these last few days, God has showed me EXACTLY what kind of person would do this. SOMEONE JUST LIKE ME! Why are the countless orphans just like her around the world lying on their backs all day? Because I (and other "Christians" just like me) am so focused on myself and my own selfish desires that I don't see them! They are out-of-sight and out-of-mind in MY world and I am consumed with my own desires. It is interesting that we say in church all the time "I am the one who crucified Christ," but we never really take that to heart; meaning we say it almost flippantly. We say that but NEVER say things like "the reason there are 147 million orphans around the world is because of ME and my hard heart" or "the reason Shelby County DHR DESPERATELY needs foster families is because I don't care about them, and I would rather have fun in my own world" or "the reason 9 million people in Nanchang China (where we are today) will live their whole lives and NEVER hear His Great Name is because of me and my lack of caring." VERY REAL WORDS I NEED TO HEAR and hope I never forget!
So then I ask, "why have I never seen things like this before?" Thank God He clearly answers that question in Scripture! The reason is I DID NOT WANT TO SEE! I only saw how & what I wanted to see! John 7:37 says (Jesus speaking), "If anyone's WILL is to do God's will, then HE WILL KNOW..." He shows clearly that in order to see truth rightly, we must desire to see rightly. If we don't have the right desires, then we can never see rightly. The reality for me is that I have found more pleasure and satisfaction in many other things, even in things considered "good things" by our church culture, than in the PURE JOY of seeing God through loving these other children! I have desired to "live a good life" (even by church standards) instead of living a Christ saturated, mission oriented, and all satisfying life. There are no excuses and nothing or no one else to blame but myself! My will was NOT to do God's will, therefore I could not see rightly!
So now, I can see myself more clearly than even and can identify with Paul in saying of myself, "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rm 7:24-25).
The reality is that I cannot change my own heart! I need a SAVIOR to do that! My prayer is becoming all the more stronger to be "Oh God, please change my heart to no longer find pleasure in things that do not matter! Show me how great you are so I can clearly see how trivial and meaningless everything else I pursue really is! DO NOT LET ME WASTE MY LIFE! May I lose NONE that you have given me (John 6:39). May I experience the true joy and satisfaction that only you can give and be satisfied with no other phony substitute."
I have a LONG way to go....but He is faithful and never let's go!
Andrew
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