This is the best way to sum up our first priority - in a nutshell, our immediate job as Kailyn's parents will be to prove to her who we are to her, and that she can depend on us for EVERYTHING. Period.
Before I list some practical ways this might play out-I want to share with you that as I was thinking about what I would say on this blog, the Lord shed light on the very statement above that I just wrote. I was in awe of the revelation. Is that not the VERY same thing that God has done and does continue to do for us as His children? He has stopped at nothing-from the beauty of creation that is before our eyes everyday, to the death of His one and only son, who suffered the death that we deserve in our place-to prove His divinity and His love. Through His word, He begs us to let go of our independence (which by the way, like many orphans, proves to be only a perceived independence anyway) and to surrender our lives to Him and depend on Him for everything and to be everything we need? The perfect adoptive Father.
So anyway, the way this plays out will be very intentional on our part as parents, and in ways may look the opposite of how we would care and respond to biological children who have bonded and learned to trust us from birth. Here are a few examples:
1. Hibernate-for at least 1 month. We won't need to get out much at first so as to give Kailyn time to get to know us and her home. For orphans, homelife is much more stimulating than the environment they've been in, so there is no need and actually a need not to get her out in crowded or stimulating places (playgrounds, church, long grocery trips) that we normally take children.
2. Andrew and I need to do everything for her. She needs to come to depend on us. In fact, if she learns to whine at us-that is a good thing! (Not permanently though) But we learned that whining is one of the first ways an infant/toddler learns to express need to a parent, so if she becomes whiny and clingy for a period as she is developing family skills, it is a good sign! She is learning that we will respond to her needs! Kailyn needs to know us as more than just another caregiver in her life, she needs to know us as parents. That means that all care for her must come from us. All provision for her needs to be given by us. She needs to learn to distinguish us from all other random adults. I use the word random because children who have experience care from many different adults over the span of their lives tend to learn to expect care from just about anyone. They don't know that going home from walmart with a stranger isn't the best idea. Or they may attempt to follow a friendly neighbor home expecting to live there for a while. So actually, your perceived disinterest toward Kailyn when she is around at first, is not rude-but actually very helpful. She needs to learn to come to us when she needs anything at all-even attention.
3. Exaggerate our reactions to boo-boos! Many institutionalized children have become so accustomed to not having their needs responded to that they develop higher tolerance for pain and give up seeking attention to physical needs when they need it. This is why when you walk into an orphanage full of babies, instead of crying, you will likely hear silence. This is one of the most painful facts that we learned in our training, and have had it confirmed by other international adoptive parents. The babies have given up.
I will say-in our case, this issue may not be as extreme. We believe Kailyn has been paired with an elderly person who also lives at her SWI (an institution for abandoned children and elderly people) and probably receives more attentive care than in orphanages where the setting is 1 or 2 caregivers to 50 children- Which is quite the common case in China. I fact I would say that our orphanage setup is the exception and not the rule.
4. View Kailyn according to family age and not chronological age. In other words, her family age when we get her will be newborn-0. This is such a helpful way for us to think because it can cover so many things. Whatever we are doing with her-we need to remember that everything is completely new. However we relate as a family, she has never experienced.
5. Feed on demand and do the feeding for her-and only by us. Don't encourage her feed herself. Another way to establish trust and bonding! Many orphans have experienced lack of food or have learned to take their own bottles independently from birth. They've never experienced the bonding that takes place when a mother feeds a newborn. Many have experienced countless nights going to bed hungry as they are once again passed by by exhausted caregivers or simply not enough food to give the children more. We must prove that she'll never have to worry about going hungry or finding food for herself. One way this plays out in many orphans (especially those on solid food-ours probably will still be bottle fed at 18 months) is hoarding and gorging-survival techniques. One reason orphans are fed bottles for so long-in some cases to the age of 4 is simply for the lack of enough solid food to feed all the children.
6. Respond to needs immediately-she is not on her own anymore.
7. Don't let her cry it out at night-she's likely done that too much already. Prove that you are different than a caregiver. You are her loving parent who will always be there when she needs you. Sleep in the same room.
So these are a few of the things that stand out most in my mind right now that we have learned. We don't know exactly what issues Kailyn may have, and probably being so young her issues won't be extreme. We also believe that having a consistent caregiver will be an advantage in that she will have likely bonded with her to some degree. This will likely make the transition harder at first because grieving will be expected, but in the long run Kailyn will have an easier time bonding with us, because she already knows how to do that. But regardless, it is still up to us to work hard at establishing her trust in us, and showing her that we will always love and be there for her. An easy child does not mean that they've bonded to you-and if you don't work diligently anyway, issues with this will likely show in months or even in more than a year after what is called the "honeymoon" period.
There is so much more I could tell you and one subject I would encourage you to research is the neurological effects that bonding has on an infants brain. It is truly amazing at how affected we are by the love, attention and care we get from ages birth to 3. So many neurological pathways are being formed during that time and after age 3 those pathways are near impossible to reroute. Behaviors can be retrained, but the neurological tendencies will always be there.
Thank you again for following this journey with us. We covet your prayers more than you know! We look forward to sharing the most exciting part of this journey with you in China!
Amy
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