Longing sets in....

Yesterday was a particularly emotional day for me-as proof of that, (aside from my first cry associated with the emotions that come with the adoption process) I am finding various items misplaced all over my house,  and my 2nd grader was sent off to school with David's preschool folder.  It was the day after the February group of  special needs Chinese children who were eligible to be adopted came in.  To make a long story short, our adoption agency (which we have had a wonderful experience with so far, and to which we felt God had led us) has had some changes in employees that have affected us.  The social worker in charge of the China program resigned shortly after we began this process and being the small agency that they are (and another reason we were drawn to them) were left with no "expert" in the China program.  So the assistant director, who specializes in Latin American adoptions has been working with us-and doing a great job considering she has had to learn some along the way as well.   So anyway, originally, they way the process was going to work is that the social worker over the China program would serve as our advocate in finding our child.  She would be the one to actually look at the children available for adoption who were sent in to the agencies.  The way that normally works is that there may be a few children who trickle in throughout the month (usually Special focus children I think), but a larger group is posted once a month.  And China being a full 12-13 hours difference time than we are, this happens over a night (usually our Monday night) and the social worker literally engages in a race during the night against other agencies to lock in a child that is a fit for your family.  Then, the family has 72 hours to have the child's medical history reviewed and to accept that child (accept the referral).  So as you can see, the process itself is quite suspenseful. 

Anyway, just days before this happened, we were told that now a social worker who is on the ground in China will be looking for our child because they can log them in faster.  Which is fine and seems logical.  However, Tuesday morning, we found out that we had not received a referral and not only that, we did not receive any feedback as to what kind of children were in the group, or any type of reason why we could not be matched.  We were basically told we'd have to wait and see if we could be matched at the end of next month.   We were not expecting to receive so little information about why a match could not be made.   So anyway, I won't continue to record all of the details of conversations we had yesterday-but we were left feeling like the process was leaving us at the mercy of a detached advocate.  One we have no access to and who has never met us (though we know who our true advocate really is:).  Andrew is going to seek clarity on this today, and I am sure things will settle out with this issue.  But I was not prepared for the influx of emotion that I felt when I got the news (and in the manner that we got it mainly) that no match or even a child to consider had been made.  Before I had been excited and anxious, but now I feel like I have had a little dose of what families who have had much longer waits than we have have experienced.  I know now that there will be an ache in my heart that will only become stronger as this process continues.  We have been praying that God would prepare our hearts to receive our daughter and that we would know beyond a doubt who our daughter was the minute we first saw a referral.  I wasn't expecting it to come like this, but I know somehow that this process is part of the very means that God is using to do just exactly what we have asked.

Romans 6:26-27  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 

Amy

The Most Wonderful Name and (prayers please!)

I would like to start this post by saying that I hope and pray that this is the last post I will write without a face to go along with a name.  We begin next week to receive our first referral for a child and we do ask for your prayers.  I have loved the process of choosing a name for our beautiful daughter.  I will say that we chose the name at first simply because we like it-but I have loved researching the meaning as well and I have loved what we found (if in fact our sources are reliable-but we'll just say that they are:)

According to Babynology.com both Kailyn and Mari are of Hebrew origin and means the following:

English : Kailyn "pure"

Hebrew: Kalin "devotion to God",  Kayla "Who is like God?"

Hebrew: Marie "wished for child" (also "bitter or rebellion" which we'll just throw out:)

The verse that we chose "Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17 on the picture above was chosen as a reflection of our feelings about Kailyn and the whole adoption process, as well as because it is a timeless truth that we hope Kailyn will find true in her own life.  Everything that we have that is eternally valuable, and is truly and wholly good (not in a health, wealth, property kind of way), can only be from God.  We pray that she will soon see that God is the giver of all things good.

It is truly amazing what God does in your heart when you follow the leading of His spirit.  As I have begun to think more and more about the upcoming travel and stay in China and about one of the initial challenges of international adoption (language barrier!-which by the way has been fun trying to learn a few words and phrases-heaven help the people of China and Kailyn:), along with that has grown in my heart a compassion for the people of China.  Now I have known for a long time that China-being the most populous country in the world (approximately 1.3 BILLION people, comprising 20% of the world's population) also has a majority of this massive population that have never heard of Jesus-the most wonderful name there is. And though the church is miraculously spreading in China (if you know much about this country's government you will understand why I say miraculously)  to about 100,000 million believers in 2010, out of 1.3 billion there is still so much need for the light of the gospel to shine.  I don't know what kind of sharing opportunities we may have while in China, -maybe none verbally (I plan to ask more about this), and we don't want to jeopardize the adoption-but I do know that in my heart is a desire that could only be placed by God to go there and allow His love and His light shine brightly through our lives to the people we will come in contact with there.  And as in most of my posts-I leave you with my current favorite song of the moment, which I hope - speaking of names- will remind you of the the one who has the most wonderful name there is.

Acts 4:11-12  This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name  under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

Your Great Name by Natalie Grant

Amy

God's faithfulness to prepare us!

I wanted to write this post in light of all we have been learning in preparation to bring Kailyn home.  (And I truly hope it makes some sort of sense or is helpful in some way).  Our adoption agency prepared us so much initially through online training and seminars...but I am so very grateful to all of the adoptive parents who have taken time to record their journeys and share what they have learned as well.    We have gained such a wealth of wisdom from reading their experiences and from taking heed in educating ourselves through the resources that they shared.  I hope that in some way we will be able to encourage other adoptive parents as well.

I am completely amazed at how much we have learned in this process...I say this, because there is so much gap in understanding between learning what to expect from an adopted child, and coming to understand the why.   It is wonderful to learn parenting techniques (that you can and will need to use.)  But I will say that it is absolutely crucial to seek out understanding of the childhood experiences of orphans so that you will know why it is important to do what you are doing.  Now this may sound like common sense- but to me, most of what I am finding is that parenting methods that we normally turn to for our biological children are actually just the opposite of what an adopted child needs-particularly an internationally adopted child.

For example: I have been working on Kailyn's lifebook when I get a chance, here and there, bits and pieces.  When I first bought the book, I knew in my mind that it was not supposed to be the equivalent of a baby book, but honest to goodness-I don't really think I could see it.  But as we have pursued deeper understanding of the needs of adopted children, we are learning how absolutely crucial it is to learn as much true information about the child's past as you can, to talk about it often with the child (even if the memories are painful-I am not talking about reliving abuse-but talking about roots), and to make a concrete form of the past as best as you can (thus the LifeBook).  These helps an adoptive child form his identity, and as you will learn-identity or lack of it-  will bleed over into behavioral and developmental aspects of his/her life.  An adopted child needs a coherent life story, and your acknowledgement and sharing of his/her past is necessary to form and maintain a lifelong connection with your child.

So then I started to work on the "Letter from Mom" (which is actually going to be Letter from Mom and Dad)  page of the lifebook, and I realized that what would be most natural to write in my mind (ooey, gooey words of love and excitement), was not actually what would be the most meaningful for Kailyn.  So here is a rough draft of what I am thinking...simple, concrete words of assurance- with Kailyn in mind, and not me.  By the way-things like this letter are important for building identity because it is concrete evidence that her adoption was a very carefully planned, intentional life change and not a sporadic life changing event that just "happened" to her one day.

                                                                                    February, 7  2013

Dear Kailyn,

Your daddy and I are writing this letter to you in the months before we will travel to China, along with your two brothers, Joseph and David to meet you for the first time and bring you back to the United States with us, where you will live with us in our home, until you grow to be very old as we are.  We are very anxious to meet you, and as of now we have not even seen your picture, but we should be able to see that in one or two months from now.  We know that leaving your orphanage and the country of China to come and be a part of our family will be a very big change in your life.  We know that you may have caregivers that you will miss, or friends in the orphanage that you will no longer be able to see everyday.  We know that the United States, our house, our language and our family will seem very strange to you.  We want to get to know you and let you tell us about your life before we met you.  We want to share in the memories of your life with you.  We will be your family that never changes.  We want to keep you safe and care for you and we will never leave you.  We want to help you grow up to be happy and healthy, and to know God who loves you so much!  

We love you Kailyn,

Mommy and Daddy

In my closing thoughts (I have an awful lot don't I?)  I will also say that what we have learned about parenting for adoption has also turned out to be part of God's bigger plan (doesn't He always have one?)  We have had some areas with our older very bright, strong willed, by nature more anxious son that we have needed to learn to handle and guide more wisely as parents.  So many of the things we've learned about the development and needs of internationally adopted child also apply on at least some level to any child.  Andrew and I have already begun employing some of these methods at home and I must say-the results are astounding!  We have learned that so many times, our methods of discipline really fail to take into consideration the true needs of the child, and so the results that we get are lacking.  

So I will again recommend two outstanding books

The Connected Child (I would recommend for any parent!)

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child (a must, must, must read for internationally adoptive parents!)

And for those of you who may be considering or are adopting from China-I found a blog that is actually a charitable organization called Love Without Bounds and they are a medical team that provides emergency medical care to orphans in China.  The post below (January 18) tells about how the orphanage populations have changed over the last decade in China.  Now, one of the most significant reasons for child abandonment in China is due to birth defects.  If you are interested (and obviously I was:)  you can read from the post on January 14 to January 22 to see the full story of Chinese orphanage population change over the last 10 years and what caused it.

                                                                        

http://www.lwbcommunity.org/birth-defects

Love Without Bounds-Chinese Orphan population changes

Amy