I am completely amazed at how much we have learned in this process...I say this, because there is so much gap in understanding between learning what to expect from an adopted child, and coming to understand the why. It is wonderful to learn parenting techniques (that you can and will need to use.) But I will say that it is absolutely crucial to seek out understanding of the childhood experiences of orphans so that you will know why it is important to do what you are doing. Now this may sound like common sense- but to me, most of what I am finding is that parenting methods that we normally turn to for our biological children are actually just the opposite of what an adopted child needs-particularly an internationally adopted child.
For example: I have been working on Kailyn's lifebook when I get a chance, here and there, bits and pieces. When I first bought the book, I knew in my mind that it was not supposed to be the equivalent of a baby book, but honest to goodness-I don't really think I could see it. But as we have pursued deeper understanding of the needs of adopted children, we are learning how absolutely crucial it is to learn as much true information about the child's past as you can, to talk about it often with the child (even if the memories are painful-I am not talking about reliving abuse-but talking about roots), and to make a concrete form of the past as best as you can (thus the LifeBook). These helps an adoptive child form his identity, and as you will learn-identity or lack of it- will bleed over into behavioral and developmental aspects of his/her life. An adopted child needs a coherent life story, and your acknowledgement and sharing of his/her past is necessary to form and maintain a lifelong connection with your child.
So then I started to work on the "Letter from Mom" (which is actually going to be Letter from Mom and Dad) page of the lifebook, and I realized that what would be most natural to write in my mind (ooey, gooey words of love and excitement), was not actually what would be the most meaningful for Kailyn. So here is a rough draft of what I am thinking...simple, concrete words of assurance- with Kailyn in mind, and not me. By the way-things like this letter are important for building identity because it is concrete evidence that her adoption was a very carefully planned, intentional life change and not a sporadic life changing event that just "happened" to her one day.
February,
7 2013
Dear Kailyn,
Your daddy and I are writing this letter to you in the
months before we will travel to China, along with your two brothers, Joseph and
David to meet you for the first time and bring you back to the United States
with us, where you will live with us in our home, until you grow to be very old
as we are. We are very anxious to meet
you, and as of now we have not even seen your picture, but we should be able to
see that in one or two months from now. We
know that leaving your orphanage and the country of China to come and be a part
of our family will be a very big change in your life. We know that you may have caregivers that you
will miss, or friends in the orphanage that you will no longer be able to see
everyday. We know that the United
States, our house, our language and our family will seem very strange to you. We want to get to know you and let you tell
us about your life before we met you. We
want to share in the memories of your life with you. We will be your family that never
changes. We want to keep you safe and
care for you and we will never leave you.
We want to help you grow up to be happy and healthy, and to know God who
loves you so much!
We love you Kailyn,
Mommy and Daddy
In my closing thoughts (I have an awful lot don't I?) I will also say that what we have learned about parenting for adoption has also turned out to be part of God's bigger plan (doesn't He always have one?) We have had some areas with our older very bright, strong willed, by nature more anxious son that we have needed to learn to handle and guide more wisely as parents. So many of the things we've learned about the development and needs of internationally adopted child also apply on at least some level to any child. Andrew and I have already begun employing some of these methods at home and I must say-the results are astounding! We have learned that so many times, our methods of discipline really fail to take into consideration the true needs of the child, and so the results that we get are lacking.
So I will again recommend two outstanding books
The Connected Child (I would recommend for any parent!)
Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child (a must, must, must read for internationally adoptive parents!)
And for those of you who may be considering or are adopting from China-I found a blog that is actually a charitable organization called Love Without Bounds and they are a medical team that provides emergency medical care to orphans in China. The post below (January 18) tells about how the orphanage populations have changed over the last decade in China. Now, one of the most significant reasons for child abandonment in China is due to birth defects. If you are interested (and obviously I was:) you can read from the post on January 14 to January 22 to see the full story of Chinese orphanage population change over the last 10 years and what caused it.
Love Without Bounds-Chinese Orphan population changes
Amy
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