The Most Difficult Decision

It was Wednesday morning at @ 9:30 when I got a call from our agency.   Our first referral had been sent to our social worker at 2:30am that morning and I was completely elated to say the least.  It was quite unexpected as most of the time the special needs children are posted as a group once a month and then it is just a race for your agency to lock in a child that fits your families requests.  Anyway,  I immediately contacted Andrew and began to look over the child's file.  The little girl was 2 and 1/2 years old, and had been found by the orphanage at 9 days old.  Ok-so that right there is enough to grab your heart.  At the same time, this is a common story for orphans in China.  That way, if the parents aren't known, then they can be considered as legal orphans. In a quick review of her file, it was actually difficult to tell what her special need was.  At a glance, this little girl appeared to be healthy but to have some personality quirks that differentiated her from the other children.  Quirky and introverted would fit right in in our household.  The only thing concerning on this file in my mind was her low weight and the poor diet that was described in the report.   At this point we did not have her picture, but from the information we had, I will tell you that we were ready to give our hearts to this child-and I think that we had.

So at this, I began filling our requests for a medical review of her file done by the International Adoption Clinic here at UAB.  By @ 10:00am, I had sent the file over to UAB for an expedited review given that we really needed to have our letter of acceptance turned in by the end of the day Thursday so that it could be translated and in China within 72 hours of receiving it.  Now in order to accept the referral, you also have to have your plan for treatment of the child's special need.  So really, it is impossible to do this until you have been given results from the IAC to base your plan on.  So now we had to wait to hear from them and at the time we were expecting to hear back in 24 hours so that we would get the results on Thursday morning.  In the meantime,  we were awaiting a picture and a video (which getting a video by the way is a bonus, not a guarantee.)  The next 24 hours were excruciatingly long, and at the same time very exciting.  When we got the picture the Thursday morning (I was checking at 5:00am, it was a younger picture of her) it was absolutely beautiful. This did not help me to think objectively AT ALL!   So then it was just a wait for a phone call from IAC so that I could finish filling out my acceptance paperwork.  And I felt like a teenager waiting on a boy to call or something having my phone with me at all times.  Then, the wait only grew longer as we did not get the call until 3:00pm!  

The phone call however, was not what I was hoping for.  I keep saying "I" because of course, Andrew was at work during all of this, and that was probably the best for our relationship:) What I learned was that Dr. Chambers  (who I believe is the main founder of IAC and not only has adopted children from China, also has been treating internationally adopted children for many years and has made numerous trips to China to visit the orphanages there) had actually been to the orphanage that the little girl is from and had actually seen this particular little girl.  Her observation was that what we had deemed to be quirks, or at most a mild form of autism was actually more severe than what we had been able to tell from the report.  She described her as distinguishing herself from the other children in such a way that was beyond orphanage behaviors (sometimes termed institutional autism) that are a result of neglect.  The doctor I spoke with also said that her small head size-which was not even on the growth chart was also a red flag of significant neurological issues with development.  We should be prepared for continued therapy and the possibility of learning disabilities that would interfere with judgement, and the ability to be live independently.   Another factor working against her was her age.  An autistic or mentally delayed child who is born into a loving family can still make a lot of progress with therapy given that the crucial time for neurological development happens within the first 3 years of life.  Without proper care and attention, even a healthy child's brain suffers and does not develop normally.  Most adopted children require extra time and work at their development because of this reason.  So in this little girls case, she had experienced what the doctor described as "anti-therapy," given that this orphanage was neglectful due to the caregivers simply being overwhelmed with the number of children to care for.  Wow, not the report we were expecting at all.  The first thing I did was call Andrew at work and tell him all that I learned.  Originally we were going to have our acceptance ready by the end of the work day on Thursday, but given the difficulty of the decision, we were able to extend that time until Friday morning.  Still, only hours to make such a life changing decision.  

Looking back now, I can see that although we have thought much about different medical conditions, how we were going to work hard at attachment, adjustment, and development with our child, we had not given this type of special need enough thought to be prepared.  And in checking our records, autism was not a special need that we had marked and turned in to Villa Hope as one we would accept-although from the orphanage report, true autism was not a clear diagnosis.  

Anyway, from 3:00pm to 9:00pm, I do believe was the most intense emotional time I may have ever experienced.  If you can just imagine,  you have been on an emotional high for the past 24 hours, expecting to have an official match with your child.  I know that getting hopes up is not wise, but it is hard when you are desiring to know them so much, and knowing this could be the one.  So then, add a time crunch and the necessity to think clearly (impossible), and two biological children who are needing help with homework, needing dinner, and a van that needs to be dropped off at the shop to this time period!  I am writing this, because I want to remember this part of our journey.  I know God gave us this experience for a reason-maybe so that we can encourage someone else, but I know for sure that it is part of His way of strengthening our desire for the child that He has for us.  

I can remember telling Andrew a few times that he would ultimately have to make the decision.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't think.  I could only feel.   Now here is the part, where I know that those of you who have been praying for us came in.  Andrew was talking about discerning God's will, apart from an emotional response and apart from rationalizing the decision.  The decision had to be a result of the peace of God   Isaiah 30:21  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 
Out of the blue, Andrew thought of an analogy that helped us think clearly come to a conclusion.  We thought what if God were to take us to one of these orphanages filled with children-hundreds, thousands of children, and then told us to "choose one."  How could we possibly?  But that is exactly what we must do.  Choose one.  It was this analogy that made us realize that no matter what type of special medical need our child will have, the one thing that we know we do want to have is a relationship, a close relationship with her, and we want our boys to love her, to interact with her, and we want to leave ourselves with the open possibility of adopting one more girl, if God would have it.   According to the information that we had, it seemed that accepting this little girl would make all of that a likely gamble.  So by 9:00pm, we made it official that this precious, beautiful, loved by God little girl would not become ours.  It was the most painfully, excruciating decision we have ever made.  I woke up this morning around 3:00am and could not sleep.  Everything was surreal.  Did we really just say no to a child?  I would have never imagined it.  

As the day has went on, we have had however increasing peace over this.  Looking back over the orphanage report in a less emotional state, the signs appear to be much clearer.  The statement that the little girl did not play much with the other children seemed now to make much more sense,  and we knew she would need much more of our time and attention than we actually have to give in order to see her make progress.  

Still, our hearts ache for her, but we know that there are still many other children who are in dire need of forever families and that we will find ours very soon.  We will pray continually for this child, that God would stir the heart of another family who is prepared  to seek her out, and it is amazing to see the variety of special needs that He does call families to seek out, and they do it intentionally.  We have met some of them on this journey.  But we can only chose one-at least at this time.  So we also pray in general, that God would stir the hearts of His people, to awaken more hearts to adoption and foster care according to His lead.