God's faithfulness to prepare us!

I wanted to write this post in light of all we have been learning in preparation to bring Kailyn home.  (And I truly hope it makes some sort of sense or is helpful in some way).  Our adoption agency prepared us so much initially through online training and seminars...but I am so very grateful to all of the adoptive parents who have taken time to record their journeys and share what they have learned as well.    We have gained such a wealth of wisdom from reading their experiences and from taking heed in educating ourselves through the resources that they shared.  I hope that in some way we will be able to encourage other adoptive parents as well.

I am completely amazed at how much we have learned in this process...I say this, because there is so much gap in understanding between learning what to expect from an adopted child, and coming to understand the why.   It is wonderful to learn parenting techniques (that you can and will need to use.)  But I will say that it is absolutely crucial to seek out understanding of the childhood experiences of orphans so that you will know why it is important to do what you are doing.  Now this may sound like common sense- but to me, most of what I am finding is that parenting methods that we normally turn to for our biological children are actually just the opposite of what an adopted child needs-particularly an internationally adopted child.

For example: I have been working on Kailyn's lifebook when I get a chance, here and there, bits and pieces.  When I first bought the book, I knew in my mind that it was not supposed to be the equivalent of a baby book, but honest to goodness-I don't really think I could see it.  But as we have pursued deeper understanding of the needs of adopted children, we are learning how absolutely crucial it is to learn as much true information about the child's past as you can, to talk about it often with the child (even if the memories are painful-I am not talking about reliving abuse-but talking about roots), and to make a concrete form of the past as best as you can (thus the LifeBook).  These helps an adoptive child form his identity, and as you will learn-identity or lack of it-  will bleed over into behavioral and developmental aspects of his/her life.  An adopted child needs a coherent life story, and your acknowledgement and sharing of his/her past is necessary to form and maintain a lifelong connection with your child.

So then I started to work on the "Letter from Mom" (which is actually going to be Letter from Mom and Dad)  page of the lifebook, and I realized that what would be most natural to write in my mind (ooey, gooey words of love and excitement), was not actually what would be the most meaningful for Kailyn.  So here is a rough draft of what I am thinking...simple, concrete words of assurance- with Kailyn in mind, and not me.  By the way-things like this letter are important for building identity because it is concrete evidence that her adoption was a very carefully planned, intentional life change and not a sporadic life changing event that just "happened" to her one day.

                                                                                    February, 7  2013

Dear Kailyn,

Your daddy and I are writing this letter to you in the months before we will travel to China, along with your two brothers, Joseph and David to meet you for the first time and bring you back to the United States with us, where you will live with us in our home, until you grow to be very old as we are.  We are very anxious to meet you, and as of now we have not even seen your picture, but we should be able to see that in one or two months from now.  We know that leaving your orphanage and the country of China to come and be a part of our family will be a very big change in your life.  We know that you may have caregivers that you will miss, or friends in the orphanage that you will no longer be able to see everyday.  We know that the United States, our house, our language and our family will seem very strange to you.  We want to get to know you and let you tell us about your life before we met you.  We want to share in the memories of your life with you.  We will be your family that never changes.  We want to keep you safe and care for you and we will never leave you.  We want to help you grow up to be happy and healthy, and to know God who loves you so much!  

We love you Kailyn,

Mommy and Daddy

In my closing thoughts (I have an awful lot don't I?)  I will also say that what we have learned about parenting for adoption has also turned out to be part of God's bigger plan (doesn't He always have one?)  We have had some areas with our older very bright, strong willed, by nature more anxious son that we have needed to learn to handle and guide more wisely as parents.  So many of the things we've learned about the development and needs of internationally adopted child also apply on at least some level to any child.  Andrew and I have already begun employing some of these methods at home and I must say-the results are astounding!  We have learned that so many times, our methods of discipline really fail to take into consideration the true needs of the child, and so the results that we get are lacking.  

So I will again recommend two outstanding books

The Connected Child (I would recommend for any parent!)

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child (a must, must, must read for internationally adoptive parents!)

And for those of you who may be considering or are adopting from China-I found a blog that is actually a charitable organization called Love Without Bounds and they are a medical team that provides emergency medical care to orphans in China.  The post below (January 18) tells about how the orphanage populations have changed over the last decade in China.  Now, one of the most significant reasons for child abandonment in China is due to birth defects.  If you are interested (and obviously I was:)  you can read from the post on January 14 to January 22 to see the full story of Chinese orphanage population change over the last 10 years and what caused it.

                                                                        

http://www.lwbcommunity.org/birth-defects

Love Without Bounds-Chinese Orphan population changes

Amy

How informed are you?

Dear readers,

As the time grows nearer for God to reveal our daughter to us, it is almost impossible for me to be able to focus on much of anything else.   To those who were in the process of adopting from Russia, our hearts break for you and for your child.  In our hearts Kailyn is ours already-and I know that this is from the Lord.  It makes no sense otherwise, to love a child that you've never seen or met.  To know that she is waiting, she has already been ushered into this world, and for whatever reason, has been left to wait-for her forever family to bring her to her forever home.  We are (ok mainly myself) in full nesting mode-from wanting to clean out the house of every excess thing that exists, to cleaning, to reading like crazy, to working on her Life Book, to thinking about travel concerns and making lists of things we'll need for her.  Anyway, you get the picture.  But mostly I am amazed at the burden God has placed on my heart for the MILLIONS of children just like our beloved Kailyn Mari who will not be coming home with us.   And already God is preparing our hearts that our burden for orphans will not end with her homecoming.

As people have asked us about our journey, and particularly about China, I have come to realize just how little this gigantic world problem is actually in front of our eyes.   The realities that so many children have to call "their world" are simply unknown and unadvertised to us-and this is most concerning when it comes to God's people, the church.  Certainly, it is not at the forefront of the news, yet everyday innocent, helpless children are left in a world removed from the love, nurturing, and guidance of a set of parents.   The more Andrew and I have sat through required training, read parenting books, and talked to others who have witnessed first-hand the realities of orphan life, the more we have realized that the heartbreaking bits of information that we hear, are actually true and represent the present realities of children all over the world today.  

In my daily study right now, I been reading the minor prophets, and am now going through the book of Isaiah.  In these books the heart of God is clearly and repeatedly revealed for the poor, the fatherless, and widows, and He is abundantly clear that His intent is that His people:

Isaiah 1:17
¹⁷ "learn to do good;
seek justice,
    correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
    plead the widow's cause."      

But how can we seek justice for those who we know nothing about?    So with that thought I would like to encourage you-just to take some time (whether God leads you to adopt or not) to do some research on orphans throughout the world and just let God burden your heart for them in prayer.  Another way to really come to understand the world of these children is to read a parenting book in which you will come to see the conditions of their life that cause many of the issues that they bring with them into a forever home.  Here are some issues that we have been prepared for consistently.  

fear of abandonment
abuse (within orphanages and foster homes)
neglect - in China it is commonly 1 caregiver to 50 orphans
lack of human interaction
not enough food even in orphanage care
lack of medical care
lack of stimulation (many spend most of the day in beds, particularly the young-for lack of caregivers and safety.  Some may have never been outside.)
lack of mobility (a social worker we know visited an orphange in China this year where (for safety) the children were tied to their beds
high tolerance for pain (because there is not enough caregivers to tend their needs)
attachment disorder (because there has been no one to attach too)
indiscriminate attachment (because there is no consistent caregiver)
silent babies (because no one responds)

Can you picture the face of your biological child in their shoes?  What lengths would you go to in order to bring them home?  Would there be any limit of what you wouldn't do?

Finally, am going to link this post to a much earlier post written by Andrew that talks about why we chose the country of China and contains a moving video.   This post contains statistics about orphans from China and other countries around the world.

Why China?

If you are seriously considering adoption-here are some books that were recommended to me that I am currently reading and are extremely helpful:

The Connected Child
The Hurt Child
Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child

Amy

Nesting...and pics

February will be here before we know it and that is the month-the end of the month when we will begin the process of selecting our daughter!!  That reality has got me so excited and I'll have to say very anxious as well.  I have been working on both her room and our boys room forever it seems.  The boys room is finally done!  It has been such a job to neatly combine all of their belongings into one room and closet.   I wanted enough separation for all of their things-clothes and toys-to provide both ownership and accountability for their belongings.  The boys have been sleeping in the same room in bunk beds (which you can see that we don't make them up often-it is a workout)  ever since we moved David out of his crib and into a "big boy" bed.  But we've had the luxury of keeping the toys and clothes scattered between the two bedrooms.   I have been doing so much painting!  I painted the boys' furniture red and bought some stair boards and wooden brackets that Andrew screwed together and then I painted them as well. But finally, it is done.  Kailyn's room is finished as well except for a small shelf I am painting and a picture with her name on it that I plan to have done soon.    I haven't hung the curtains either so that they won't hang there collecting dust for months.  But I feel so accomplished in how far we've gotten that I wanted to go ahead and post a few pictures of the rooms!!

Kailyn's dresser is the dresser we bought out of the paper used when we lived in Dothan.  Andrew painted it when I was expecting Joseph and it has been our baby furniture ever since.  I think the cream will work for a girl for quite a while though.  The bookshelf below was a 10.00 find at kids market and I painted it and the bedside table to match.  The small shelf I am repainting was mine when I was a teenager.  I intend to fill the shelf with finds from China to add a little heritage to her room!   I am not sure if we'll use a babybed at first or not (which we have).  It will depend on her age.  If she is 2-3, we'll likely do with her what we did for Joseph.  The mattress and box springs on the floor against the wall with a bedrail-so she is closed in on 3 sides.  This way there is a bed big enough for co-sleeping at first if necessary.  (A very real likelihood and recommendation for forming attachment to the parents. )   We have never let our boys sleep with us except when traveling or when they are sick.  But we've never really had an issue with it either.  It isn't something I look forward to-it just means she'll be sleeping and I won't. 

Besides the room, now that the paperwork process is done, I have been trying to use my free moments to read other peoples adoption blogs, and review some of the training we have been through.  I just ordered three adoption parenting books that were recommended and I hope to find enough time to read at least most of them before we travel.  I feel as if I am preparing for a final exam where the professor has just told me to just know everything.  And that is not realistic or even necessary-but I think that is just the nesting mode that I am in.   And the language!?!  I have heard that the children pick up the new language so fast-but I hate the helpless feeling of not being able to communicate fluently with her.   There is just so much that you should and could prepare for and no way to know exactly what you may encounter.  But this is just where I have to trust that God will lead us to prepare exactly the way we need to because He knows exactly who Kailyn will be and what she will need!  

Amy