Its been One Year...

Today is the day.  We have reached the anniversary of Kailyn's First Year as a member of our family!  (though not legally until July 29:)   Regretfully, my plan to update the blog  regularly after our return from China went down the tubes pretty much immediately upon coming home!  Pre-China, I think I had the mentality of a first time biological mom who- before baby arrives-finds it hard to believe life will be slowed to a screeching halt once the baby is born.  Well, adoption is no different.  But I feel like at the very least, Kailyn's one year home anniversary is well deserving of a blog post, and hopefully I can give some idea of what our first year has been.

If I had to sum it up in a few phrases, these would probably be among the top things that enter my mind:

Adjustment.  OVERWHELMING in the first months.
Draining in several ways (not just from the adjustment-extended family issues, sending my middle baby to kindergarten, oldest son taking a step up to 3rd grade (and yes, at least I know that my hometown friends would say-it counts),  friends moving away, pulling out of many of our normal activities for Kailyn's adjustment etc...)
Appointments. Lots (at least in comparison to only knowing a world of 2 healthy children).  Slowed down a bit now but still going...
Catch up for Kailyn in many areas.  Lots of work at home on these.
God's plan for us is to reveal MORE of Himself to us.  Volumes.
Joy.

In reality, to do any justice to give a glimpse of the past year, I would really need to write a book.  But since I only can find minutes, I'll just share a little of how far Kailyn has come in her adjustment, her development, and socially by God's grace.

If you read any of our posts prior to this one, you may remember a little bit about our adoption experience.  Kailyn was brought to our hotel room by orphanage administration on July 28, 2013 where we met this little precious sweetheart for the very first time.  She was calm, and showed little emotion.  Poor baby was soaked in vomit (which we later had the pleasure to learn was NOT car sickness- but the stomach bug which got passed around to ALL of us except for Joseph, lucky guy:)  and wearing a little yellow dress with a taffeta skirt, and the most awful blue and green spongebob sandals.  This little bit was 17 months old and weighed 17 pounds!  But boy did she love some butter cookies and ice cream once they were introduced.   Food was an issue just as we had been told it would, for the two weeks in China, Kailyn put away more food than my boys combined, and food ALWAYS had to be in hand or in sight, even during the night and she had to sleep with the snack trap.  Kailyn seemed very comfortable with our family for the two weeks in China.  She enjoyed the boys, LOVED going places, and was clingy to me and had to be no more than a couple feet away at the most.  But it was also there that we saw the first glimpses of indiscriminate affection, control behaviors, and certainly a lack of discipline (as I got to witness her first throw down fit in the Nanchang Walmart when she didn't get her way:)  Anyway, as I am sitting here writing, the details of the first weeks with Kailyn are as fresh as if it were still last summer.  So to keep myself from writing that book-I'll just name what I felt were the hardest parts to deal with in her adjustment period home, which for us, was the most intense only during the first 3 or 4 months.   Not that every moment was miserable by any means, there were plenty of beautiful and sweet moments with Kailyn during our adjustment period, but I want to include these, not only for those who may be considering adoption, but also for those of you who know Kailyn now-and know that what I am about to describe to you is anything but the child that she is now!  Praise be to God!

So here goes. When we brought her home, gorging subsided quickly, but now she begins another form of control (which we only learned recently) of holding food in her mouth for long periods of time.   Also "asking" for food or drink, then pushing it away when offered, repeating this over and over again fussing with each "decision."    And she still throws that one on us at times a year later.  Then there was jealousy of her siblings.  Talk about difficulty helping with homework.  She had to be on me with 150% attention at all times or else she was doing "no-no's."  And the girl had learned what the word "no" meant by day number 2 that we had her in China!  This was extremely hard for me as I had also given my little David up to kindergarten (ok but we did have an outstanding year!), and his first week was tough to the point of tears for him.  Kailyn did not allow me to console him willingly.  Then there was still the issue of indiscriminate affection.   This issue is extremely common among internationally adopted children and forces the necessity of hibernation, in order to form bonds and secure dependence on the adoptive family, and particularly the mother.  This period is hard emotionally as a mom.  I'll just say it.  It is like the insecurities that are being displayed in your child toward your relationship are being thrown onto you as well.  And this is where you have trust confidently that God's He is going to bring healing to the relationship and that it IS going to be GOOD!  Easier said than done at times. (Let me just say-God showed me through this issue a snippet of what HIS jealousy for us might feel like, when we seek to find our joy in anything or anyone else except for Him (Exodus 20:5, 34:14, Deuteronomy 4:24, 5:9, 6:15) -maybe I'll share that testimony in a short post later).  Then there was the issue of extreme exploration.  EXTREME.  When I tell you Kailyn was into everything-I mean that if there had been an electrical socket uncovered, she WOULD-not maybe-but definitely WOULD have had her fingers in it.  If I stooped down to tie my show, her hands raced to get her little fingers in the mix with mine.  If I went to empty the garbage, she was tugging at the drawstrings while I was trying to tie.  And don't even get me started on what a magnet the potty was.  I had a few people tell, me, "oh, that is just a toddler for you."  NO.  I have raised two toddlers already.  It was not normal.  And other adoptive parents will attest this behavior as well.  But it is another trait common to adopted children who have not had much opportunity to explore.  Toy play had to be taught.  So on top of these you can add hyper-vigilence, particularly at night.   Mom is sleeping in the room for several weeks home, waking every few hours like a new born to give security that mommy is there.  Maybe or maybe not going back to sleep that night.  Topple that with jet-lag that took a good two weeks to recover from, school starting one week after the return home, transitioning to two schools now instead of one in the early morning rush, hardly any time or energy left at all for some time alone in God's word and you've got one physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted mom and dad!

So the above was the starting point of our relationship with our beloved daughter:)   Since then, by God's grace, and only by HIS grace and power, bonding and secure attachment has grown beautifully.  Kailyn giggles and smiles along with our sons and enjoys playing with toys and other children as a 2 year old should.  We are now free to allow her to enjoy our adult friends and older children, with no concerns for indiscriminate affections due to insecurity.  The boys love her-adore her- complete with both priceless displays of affection and of course aggravation for her!  And we enjoy her fully as our daughter.  For us, we don't even really think of her as adopted. Though we know this, she may as well have been with us since her birth.

Medically, it has been a year of appointments.   We've been catching up with immunizations, dealing with ear infections and bronchiolitis before her surgery, having allergic reactions to peanut butter and having that tested, having periodic checkups (these are several hours) with International Adoption Clinic, preparing reports and having post placement visits with our social worker, having vision checked, preparing for and having surgery (that was postponed twice!), HEALING, starting speech and occupational therapy and continuing both of these every month, doing our therapy daily and going to the dentist.  WHEW! We'll start the school year with 5 appointments in August.  Then, hopefully, things will slow drastically as far as Kailyn's appointments are concerned.  I hope.

But- all of this has paid off in major ways.  Her eating has improved, her mouth and tongue muscles are strengthening and her word attempts are becoming increasingly clearer.  Sweet baby went from having to drink from her cleft bottle with a large hole in the nipple so that the milk would just pour right down her throat-to now being able to handle a crazy straw-which her speech and OT say is great for developing those mouth muscles!

So this is a glimpse of our year, as best as I can fit it on a post:)  Its been a trying, exhausting, and amazing year.  We are awed and thankful for the plans God has for us and for all of you that He has given to us to accompany us on this journey.

2 Thessalonians 1: 11-12   To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and everywork of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Kailyn's referral picture-9 months old!

                                        July 28, 2013  Kailyn is brought to her family!

Remembering that day...

A Park in Nanchang, the provincial city in her province.

Finally home :  August -Our dog gets her new biggest fan!

 September

October

November

December

January   (Can you see the personality coming out?)

Right after surgery… February 3, 2014

Chinese New Year celebration! February 8, 2014

    March 4-Kailyn turns 2!

  

April -   Easter Sunday 

           

                             

May

June-family vacation

July-All accessorized and ready for a ride!

Amy

“For Your Joy”

Believe it or not, Amy and I both have really wanted to blog some more, but since we have three children now, who has time, right!?! It is hard to believe the last blog was in Oct of last year, man does time fly!

There is so much to tell and so much to share, but to start back with the blog today, I simply want to say one thing that I cannot possibly over-emphasize.

“These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11.

I cannot over emphasize the “joy of the Lord” we have seen and experienced since we began this journey. Has it had its share of hard times? Yes! Have there been times of discouragement and confusion? Yes! But here is a real question, what in this life can we pursue that DOES NOT have those times? Nothing! But, are there things we can pursue in this world that have those times but in the end result in NO JOY? Absolutely!

God has shown us a depth and breadth of His love, joy, grace, peace and mercy through having Kailyn as our daughter that we never could have “tasted and seen” otherwise.

All of that to say, whatever Jesus is leading us to do, it is to INCREASE OUR JOY and it is a REAL joy that ONLY HE can give. Nothing else in this world can compare to the joy He and He alone gives. In all He leads us to do, He wants us to experience greater and greater joy in Him. When we begin to see that following Jesus is no longer about giving up everything we really want in order to sacrificially follow Him, but seeing that He is offering us, if we CHOOSE to follow Him, a real and authentic sense of joy and satisfaction and comfort that NOTHING else in this world can offer, then our motives to follow Him turn from necessary (and even joyless) sacrificial obedience and “giving up the things I want” to motives of “throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that easily entangles” (Heb. 12:2) in a passionate pursuit of real joy that we have “tasted and seen” as being very good and we want more!

So be encouraged! Whatever He is calling us to do! IT IS FOR OUR JOY! REAL JOY! LASTING JOY! UNEXPLAINABLE JOY!

My prayer, “Lord, increase my desire for real joy that can only be found in you! Please show me the triviality of things I pursue and am passionate about.”

Andrew

"Take Heart, I have overcome the world."

So much has happened in the last month since our last post I could write a book! Let me start by saying “GOD IS GOOD! HE IS FAITHFUL! HE IS WITH US!” Praise His GREAT NAME!

God by His grace has revealed so much to me lately, particularly that there is a lot of Biblical knowledge that I know to be true but have been living as if I really did not believe it is true. One area in particular that I want to share about is some recent revelations about the reality spiritual warfare. I know this goes on, I know this is real as it is all over the Bible, but the way I was living, and particularly praying, did not match what I know to be Biblical. Think about this, what would be the response if you went into your church or small group this weekend and said “I believe I am under demonic attack!” What kind of response would you get? I would venture to say most in groups it would raise a lot of eye brows, lots of questions, many will blow you off or say you are passing blame, and there are those who will “deliver you” on the spot. In this post, I am not going to give a lot of doctrine here, but simply say what was revealed to me and my heart particularly. I will say one thing I believe we all can agree on, real believers can experience demonic attack, and therefore, we must know how to fight.

I want to begin by explaining one simple thing, the adversary’s goal is “to steal, kill, and destroy”. He wants to steal our joy, satisfaction, kill our passion, kill our ability to love and be loved, and destroy our lives, families, and kingdom advancement. We must understand that he is a force to be reckoned with! He is powerful and he is cunning! Also, he has all the time in the world, and sometimes the best tactic he uses is not drastic changes or lies, but slow, subtle, disguised lies that causes us to slowly but surely drift away from the truth (Heb 2:1). The way he attacks is clear in Scripture, he as “the father of lies” distorts truth so we cannot see the truth. He cannot create anything, leaving him to only manipulate what already exists. Think about this, the best lie is one that is plagued with partial or half-truths and they take knowing the real truth to identify (Hence we MUST KNOW the PERSON to Word is pointing to!). His tactic is NOISE! Or “smoke and mirrors”! He blinds us with a lot of lies that seem true and there are a lot of them at once and they are noisy and we cannot sift thru them because we are SO BUSY and distracted! Lies like:

·         It is all up to you. If you don’t do all this, your family will fall apart.

·         You must make the right choice and you must figure it all out. (NOTE: there are consequences for sinful choices, but I will explain this later.)

·         God can’t use you for that; you are not adequate.

·         Your kids NEED all this stuff and to be involved in all these things and if not, they will miss out and their lives will be forever changed and ruined.

·         You will never have real community and fellowship. See how many people have left and how no one is around, you are on your own! Besides, you don’t have time anyway and it is not really necessary!

·         No one can relate to your struggles as you are the only one dealing with this! If you confess your sins to others, they will laugh at you, think so much less of you, and this will further drive the ones left in your life away!

 

I am willing to bet I am not the only one who has heard these LIES! The truth is I had bought into some of them and did not even realize it! That is the deception! We can be fooled and NOT KNOW we are fooled!

God is good though! Last Friday I met a person that was able to articulate some biblical truths in a way I had not thought of before. The amazing thing, it was simple and he did not show any “new truths” so to speak, but he said it in a way that was very eye opening for me. He said the adversary’s tactic is to distract with all the noise so we cannot see THE ROOT of our sin! If we never get to the root, we can never address the real sin. As long as the root of the sin is in our hearts and never confessed to God, to ourselves, and to others as necessary, then we will always struggle. Let me give an example, we may have a deeply rooted sin of doubt in God’s ability to guide us. When we see we are misguided or make mistakes, that root sin plays out in tireless working and figuring things out, endless planning, anger, frustration, and fear, which are all symptoms of the deeper issue. We typically repent of the symptoms and not of the root because we never get to the root. Our flesh does not want to go to the root! Therefore, the temporary anger or frustration will go away when we confess and repent, but the root is still there and will simply show up somewhere else or return later. The real deception here is that “voice of doubt” at the root of the sin in our hearts is indistinguishable from our own voice and from God’s voice. Since we cannot distinguish this voice, we buy in to the distortions and lies, partly because there is some truth to them, and they are rooted in principles of this world APART from the truths of the Gospel! It is an internal battle. We are at war with our passions within our own hearts (Romans 7:21-23). This is HUGE! If we cannot distinguish the voice of lies from the Voice of Truth, how do we choose which one to believe? We will choose BOTH!

So last week, a handful of us talked and shared our hearts and prayed together. We confessed our sins to one another and begin to peel back the lies to get past the noise. I want to list some of the deep rooted lies that were behind the noise that I had bought in to and these are DEEP ROOTED sins that, under the “kingdom of darkness” are true, but in the “kingdom of heaven”, they are lies:

·         Your family’s provision is up to you to figure out and manage well. You mess up, your family will suffer and never forget! There is some truth to this, but see the distortion. I am responsible to manage and lead my family. However, it is not up to me to have a detailed plan, see our road ahead, lay out plans to get there, and make it happen. My role is to “see Christ”, “hear His voice” and “Follow Him”. Now our direction is dependent on my hearing and seeing and not my DOING! Also, my family does not need a PERFECT father, but a HUMBLE one! Subtle but ETERNAL difference!

·         Your good job and ability to provide is a result of God’s favor BECAUSE of your good choices and hard work. Some truth here again but don’t miss the distortion. God does give favor and gives us good things to enjoy and we are accountable for how we use them. However, how we use them is not what drives us to receive more. We receive more because of God’s unmerited love and mercy. He does not give because I have done anything. He gives because He loves, PERIOD! Also, He withholds because HE LOVES! God’s favor is not dependent on my ability to choose.

·         At the bottom of these distortions of truth was a deep rooted and well-disguised sin of self-reliance. Everything was all up to me. God’s favor and blessings were a result of my choices and works. LIES! I had not seen this in myself before.

When all of this was revealed, all I have to say was a prayer to God saying, “God I confess my sin, my self-reliance, my belief in these lies over your clear truth. All I have to give you is SIN and I want to give it to you. I am begging you to take it and to replace it with faith, zeal for your Name, fellowship with others, and a deep sense of your presence. Open my eyes to see the future attacks of the adversary and please do not allow me to be fooled or blinded! I need You and I want You! Please do not let my sins play out in the life of my wife or my children. Guard and protect them from MY SIN! Lastly, I ask that you empower me to fight! Empower my prayers! Empower my study time! Equip me fully to be victorious!”

After our time of confession and repentance, I truly believe I walked away changed (so did a close friend/brother of mine!). I will also say this, MY SIN as the husband and spiritual head of my family, had also been working in the life of my wife. I had to confess my sin to her and repent and we prayed together about it!

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” James 5:16.

True freedom begins with humble confession! Confession of sins leads us to the cross! Give Him your sin. He has already paid for it. He gives us Himself and we can overcome the world! These prayers of confession to God and confession to one another are prayers He DIED to answer! I hope my revelation of sin is encouraging to you! I am changed! HE DID IT, NOT ME!

 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

Andrew